Performative empathy: When ‘caring’ is just emotional avoidance

Most people believe they’re empathetic, but real empathy isn’t comfortable or easy.

In Episode 19 of Things We Say In Therapy, we unpack performative empathy: the habit of wanting to appear caring, supportive, and emotionally safe without actually being present in someone’s pain.

We explore why many people:

• Perform care instead of offering real emotional connection
• Rush to fix, reframe, or validate to avoid discomfort
• Use toxic positivity and emotional bypassing without realising
• Struggle to sit with difficult emotions, their own and others’

We also break down the psychology behind performative empathy, including nervous system avoidance, people-pleasing, trauma responses, and fragile self-identity, expanding on how these patterns quietly damage connection and trust in relationships.

This episode isn’t about blame or shame, it’s about awareness, emotional honesty, and learning how to sit with discomfort instead of escaping it.

If this feels uncomfortable, that’s the point. Sit with it.